The Skinny-Jean Mafia

I hate the mall. I hate it with every fiber of my soul. But it was hot the other day, too hot to go outside. Too hot for the park, or the zoo, or the Arch, or anything else remotely fun, so we went to the mall.

The wife, kid and I all packed up and headed to this terrible den of misery, to go wander aimlessly while looking at small animals trapped in glass boxes and buy overpriced coffee from a 16 year old in a kiosk. On the way I decided that we shouldn’t suffer alone and called my sister-in-law to come join us (help entertain the kid), which she gladly said yes and met us there.

I’m not going to talk about how when we got there the air-conditioning wasn’t working, or how I spent a lot more money than I was planning, or even how stupid we are for going to the mall on a tax-free weekend. No, I’m here to talk about the Skinny-Jean Mafia.

The Skinny-Jean Mafia is a group of 12-16 year old boys and girls that wear their pants way too tight. Usually within the group, consisting of 5 to 8 members, there are a few that like to be a little more flamboyant than the rest. This kid, usually a boy, wears bright purple skinny-jeans with a giant silver belt-buckle. Typically he will have a black short-sleeved t-shirt and some sort of leather wristband. The hair is either teased 80’s style or covering one eye, where they are constantly twitching their head to flick it out of the way.  The poor child’s feet look strangely large, most likely because of the skinny-jeans, but also, because of his age, his feet are growing disproportionately from the rest of his body. All in all, the kid looks like a slightly overweight member of Fall Out Boy.

I’m not here to make fun of this generations fashion trends. I have no room to talk. I was a child of the 90’s and even though I lived in a nice house with parents that were still together, I still wore flannel shirts and ripped jeans with long greasy hair. But, I can say, we were comfortable.

Where my problem lies is, these kids are annoying. I’m sure I was annoying when I was younger, but the shoe-gazers never spoke to anyone outside of their group. These kids were up in everyone’s business.

While wandering the mall with my family, I was asked three times by three different groups of kids for money. Now, this mall is in a relatively wealthy part of town. The crime rate is low and the average income is high. These kids have no need to ask me for anything, but they did. Every time they would ask the same thing, “Hey man, can I borrow a couple of dollars?”  First off, it’s not borrowing if I’ll never see you again. Second, WHAT?!? SERIOUSLY?!?  I can almost understand once, but three times?

Is this some sort of club ritual or kiddie-frat hazing? I don’t think these three groups were connected. And I didn’t think the economy was doing that bad.  Why are kids panhandling in the rich mall?

Finally, annoyed enough, I stepped outside to feed my addiction (yes, I know, I should quit) and was nearly mugged (not literally) by more Skinny-jeans there as well.  I felt like I was in some strange horror movie, every time I turned around there was another one, “Hey man, can I bum a smoke?”  I would promptly tell them no (they didn’t look a day over 15) and tell them I was running out. They would offer me a dollar for one, and again I would tell them no.

Then it dawned on me! Maybe they are panhandling inside to buy cigarettes outside. They ask to borrow money from you enough inside that you become annoyed and go outside to smoke. While there they give the money they just borrowed from you back in exchange for cigarettes. Most likely, the smoker is so annoyed they he will give the cigarette to the kid just to shut him up, and the kid leaves with a cigarette and cash. It’s a nice little scam they’ve got going on. That’s why I like to politely refer to them as the Skinny-Jean Mafia.

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