OH NO! I'm Getting Old

Despite my best efforts I’ve officially become an old man. No, I didn’t have another birthday or break a hip or anything like that; my son caught me snoring and started laughing so hard that he woke me up.

I remember laughing at my father, and mother for that matter, when I was young. My father would keep my mother awake all night while blissfully dreaming about whatever old people dream about to the tune of their own snore. My father seemed old even when I was young, and I always thought that snoring was something that old people do. So now that I’ve been caught snoring, I must be old.

Like every evening, the kiddo begs for me to read more than his two book limit. I would read more, but as soon as I open Pandora’s Box I’ll find myself spending the better part of three hours with the Bernstein Bears and The Cat in the Hat, not to mention all the other nonsense the child like to read. So early on I put the cap at two books, unless one of them is very short, then he gets three, but no more than that.

Somehow, this evening I fell asleep after reading the books, did I mention that his bed is the newest, most expensive piece of furniture in the house and needless to say is extremely comfortable. Anyway, I fell asleep, and for no more than a few minutes, when I heard a giggling. As a dad of a four-year-old, I can sleep though nearly anything, but the giggling continued and I began to regain consciousness. As I was coming to, I not only heard his ever increasing laughter but also the sound of my own snores.

I am Peter PanMildly embarrassed, I finished tucking the kiddo into bed and took my woes elsewhere. What is a man to do, I don’t want to be old. I can’t be old. I have a rock band, I’m a web designer, I wear jeans and t-shirts everywhere, I haven’t even paid off my student loans! I CAN’T be old!

Well, maybe I am getting a bit older. But I’m only at the beginning stages of old age, there’s still time. I can find a cure. I can beat this. I WILL beat this! For starters, I’ll start watching a lot of late night TV looking for that infomercial selling that mouth guard that pushes your jaw up to stop snoring. And if I don’t see it on TV, I can always find it a Wal-Mart *shudder*.

But curing old age won’t stop with just fixing my snoring problem. I’ve got to cure some of these other problems before they fester out of control and take over, like:

  • I will no longer look forward to a dull evening.
  • I will no longer turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
  • I will no longer complain about the music the kids listen too.
  • And I will require my body to work, not hurt.

Realizing that old age is upon you isn’t easy. But I will fight to the death to cure this horrible disease.


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