Church Of The iPhone
Religion is a subject that comes up in my life more often that I hope for. Everyone seems to have a different one, and they all want me to sign up. On a personal note, I have no interest in religion. I’m not saying that I don’t believe, that’s the furthest thing from the truth, it’s more along the lines of, I don’t know what’s out there and I really could care less if it really is there. So after great debate, I’ve decided to start my own religion.
The first step anyone should do when attempting to start their own faith is to think about what their religion will be. Will it be a branch of an existing religion or are we starting from scratch? There are a lot of existing religions to choose from like Christian, Jewish, Buddhism, Muslim, to name a few. And if we are creating something totally new, you’re only limited to what you can think up.
Once you have decided what you’ll believe in, the next step is to give it a name. So today, October 27th, the Church of the iPhone was founded and I will now be known as The Holy Anointed One.
iPhoneism is born.
The next step is to register the new religion with the Department of the Treasury. Registering with the government will give us the ability to take advantage of tax breaks. With these tax breaks we will be able to make more money (that’s the point of religion isn’t it?) and with more money we can buy more followers.
After our religion is recognized by the government we’ll need a church and a bible. This seems to be the hard part to me. I don’t have any money so it looks like I’m starting an internet church and I don’t feel like writing a book of laws and lessons so we can use the iPhone user manual that came with your phone.
Wow! My new religion is coming along just nicely. I guess my next step will be to sell it to my wife. She already thinks I’ve gone off the deep end with the iPhone so I’m sure while she reads this she’s planning our divorce. So if she doesn’t leave me, I’m sure she’ll convert. One follower.
If you think it’s kind of strange for me to start, or even think of starting, my own religion. Take a look at the following “REAL” religions. To be honest, I didn’t research any of these religions, I found the information on WeirdWorm.com.
Scientology
This is the most popular religion of this kind and the most people have heard about it. She is probably best known for its absurd alien beliefs.
Jedi Religion – Jediism
The Jedi Church believes that there is one all powerful force that binds all things in the universe together. The Jedi religion is something innate inside everyone of us, the Jedi Church believes that our sense of morality is innate. So quiet your mind and listen to the force within you!
The Church of Ed Wood – Woodism
They are an internet church that practices Woodism. Woodism is a pop-culture-based religion created in 1996 by Reverend Steve Galindo. They follow the late cult director Edward D. Wood Jr., and they look to him as a savior. At The Church of Ed Wood they use Ed and his films to inject spirituality into those who get little fulfillment from more mainstream religions like Christianity. By looking at his films and his life, they learn to lead happy, positive lives. We strive for acceptance of others and of the self.
Apatheism
The aphateists don’t believe that there is a God and, besides that, and if there was a one they would be completely apathetic and couldn’t possibly care less. Still, they have some Gnostic elements. They gather once a year and snap wrapping bubbles to show their indifference about the existence of God.
Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – Pastafarians
With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshipers, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents – mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.
So now that I have my own religion, iPhoneism, and you’ve seen that I’m no more crazy than everyone else, start donating your hard earned cash to me. And if you don’t want to support my religion, stop trying to convert me, go find a Pastafarian and bug him.
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